Updated: Apr 1, 2021
It seems so justified to cheat in an exam when you were in school or college.. you poke your neighbor with a pen or pencil and ask them to show you the answer for the question you don’t know.
Or in Maths exam where you check the formula to know that you have used the correct one
Or check the diagram labelling in a bio exam or when you are breaking your head over carbon chemistry trying to show what the carbon arrangement of methyl oxide or whatever that is looks like..
Those were simple days, when cheating meant an unethical yet collaborative approach to score better marks in an exam.
Then you grew up and realised cheating can also break you, make you doubt yourself, question your (self?) worth and importance.
When we cheat on someone we love, and cheating is not limited to just physical aspects, it is not just about sleeping with someone else, there is also an emotional part to it where you cheat on your person from an emotional aspect.
This makes the other person question their self worth. Was I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Why couldn’t I do this? Why was I not able to do what she/he liked?
When it happens with you, you train your mind to think in ways where the only thought you are left with is “I was not enough.” And after that, everytime a person chooses someone else over you, you realise that you will never be anyone’s first. You will always be the second choice, an option, a fall back. To take or to not take. To fight for or to give up easily. To stay or to not stay...
To the person who made me the happiest, made me a better person, I thank you for being there for whatever time you were there. Despite whatever happened and how things turned out, I don’t blame you.. maybe the timing of us was not appropriate. I bumped into the right person according to me at the wrong time probably. Things happened. You did what was best for you. I never hated you and I never will. Ever.
I just wish that when you left, you could have left me with little confidence that I was okay, if not good enough or worthy, but at least okay! I have been trying to pick up the pieces and when I thought I was able to, they were knocked out of my hands again. And I guess it will keep happening and it has been happening since the day you left. I have replayed every conversation of ours, every confession of yours infinite times in my head and the question I ask myself is - was it correct? The cheating! And the only thing I am sure of is that I will keep fighting till the end of time to justify why you were not wrong.